Here's Your Article, Jason
Here's the damn blood money. Please turn my electricity back on and take the lien off my savings account. Y
Point-Counterpoint
Well, we’re coming up on the beginning of another school year and invariably our thoughts must turn to academic rebirth - to the new year and the exciting new recruits it will bring to campus. And no, sports fans, I’m not talking about your football teams. I’m talking about the incoming class of impressionable young girls. Freshman coeds are one of the main ingredients in the socio-sexual smorgasbord we call college and there are a couple of blue-chip prospects out there who have signed their letters of intent and are ready to saddle up. I’m referring, of course, to the Olsen twins, who are set to matriculate at NYU in the fall. What two 18-year-old millionaires hope to gain from college- other than 30 pounds and an exhaustive knowledge of fraternity basements- is beyond us, but the Tank prides itself on keeping its finger placed firmly on the pulse of young America and this is a hot-button issue. So management trundled down to the basement and presented the Point-Counterpoint Department with this resolution:
You want the Olsen twins at your school.
Pro
Are you kidding me? I haven’t seen a slam dunk like this since they found the bloody glove. But a bucket is a bucket and I’ve got a couple minutes to spare on this one. There are about a million reasons to want Michele Tanners doodling away next to you in Psych 101, I’ll just reel off a few of the most important.
1. You might hook up with them.
First of all, yes I said THEM. Not one. Them. One of the most important and fundamental laws of this universe is that twins are a package deal. Two for one. Buy one, get one free. You do not have to deal with them as separate people, individuals with unique hopes and desires and dreams. Twins are freaks and can be treated as such. You get a twin on the line and you’re eating double that night.
Second, yes I said YOU. This is not a humor magazine for stuck-up royalty or trustifarians or those damned Eurotrash male models. This is the Tank. Normally, the Olsens are the exclusive domain of all those jerk-offs I just mentioned. That’s the way it goes with celebrities. But take them out of Beverly Hills and take away their publicists and agents, and what you’re left with is a couple of 18-year-old girls going to college. You know what that means? At that point the playing field is leveled. They’re on your turf. They will drink to excess. They will take drugs. They will feel insecure. They will feel ugly. They will be willing to make a mistake. All you have to do is be in the right place at the right time. Advantage: Tank reader.
2. Little things are funnier when celebrities do them.
Our celebrity-worshipping society often makes it seem like the rich and famous are not subject to the daily inconveniences and embarrassments suffered by us mere mortals. This is of course not true, but it creates just enough cognitive dissidence to make the idea funny. Me waiting in line at the DMV and cussing out the clerk? Frustrating and somewhat inappropriate. Robert DeNiro in the same situation? Hilarious. Me getting punked out by some girl at the bar? Funny. Hurtful, but funny. Substitute Freddy Prinze, Jr.? I just peed my pants. You get the idea.
Well, college is filled with tons of those little embarrassing moments that we all take for granted. Now imagine if you could up the ante by having celebrities around for all of them. Watching a girl stumbling back home at 9:30 on a Saturday morning with tussled hair and disheveled clothing is funny. It is way funnier if that girl is the Olsen twins. Olsen twins inventing lame excuses for turning their papers in late. Olsen twins caught cheating on a mid-term. Olsen twins pigging out at two in the morning at Taco Bell. Olsen twins puking at the Delta Chi mixer. Funny when it’s you. Funnier when it’s them.
3. These two are ready to go ballistic.
I’ve already heard rumors from my boys in NYC that people have gone into parties and seen the Olsen twins doing blow. Outrageous. That sight alone would be worth the price of admission. Ashley is anorexic. Mary Kate is an addict. Or the other way around. Or they both are both. Who cares? The semester hasn’t even started yet and these two are making headlines. You know how it’s fun to be friends with the real rich girl who parties all the time and throws around tons of cash? Well these girls are billionaires and it’s their money. The parties will be hot. The champagne will be flowing. The girls will be easy. The twins have been coddled and protected and micromanaged their whole lives. They are fixing to explode. If they’re at your school, pull up a chair, crack open a beer and get ready. Even from the cheap seats, the view will be spectacular.
Con
Moby Dick. I guess that book’s supposed to be about man’s search for God or truth or himself...some garbage like that. Go ask the guy behind the counter at Starbucks. I was an economics major and to me that book is just about some asshole wasting his whole life hunting around for a damned white whale. Ahab probably could have gotten a lot of good things done with his life were it not for his fishing addiction. Feeding the hungry. Sheltering the homeless. Loving his women. I’m just riffing here. The thing is, I don’t really blame him. You show a whaler the biggest gastropod he’s ever seen – and the beast is white as the driven snow – and he’s gonna get obsessed. He just can’t help himself. The solution is to never let him catch a glimpse of Moby Dick. Minus that burden, Ahab is a successful businessman, a devoted husband and father, and a community leader. Also the whole crew doesn’t die and that wicked dude Queequeg is still kicking it. A rosy picture if not for that damn whale.
Why do I bring this up? Because if you get the Olsen twins at your school, you’re gonna waste all your time chasing a white whale. College could be a time of great fun and learning and growth. Or you could at least lose yourself in a wash of drunken days and dreamless nights. You start traipsing around after Hollywood eye-candy and you’ll end up just like Ismail: all alone and lost in the world with nothing but a coffin to bury yourself in. Maybe you just fail a couple classes and graduate a semester late. Point is, chasing after the Olsens is a zero sum game. What exactly do you hope to accomplish?
You think you’re gonna score? Look at yourself. Taking a swing at the driving range doesn’t make you a PGA golfer and a couple of awkward, fumbling, alcohol-inspired advances do not make you a lothario. These young ladies have been hit on by the cream of the crop. We’re talking famous actors, jet-setting businessmen, landed aristocracy. Something tells me that a 19-year-old marketing major with good pot connections and every episode of The Family Guy on DVD is not gonna cut it. I recommend trolling after whatever comes out of the frat houses around 2:30 and being grateful for anything you get.
You think they’ll be your friends? Please re-read the previous paragraph. What do you think you’re bringing to the table? A good sense of humor. Loyalty. Maybe you’re a good listener. Or a nice person. Celebrities don’t care about these things. You better have mad loot, access to mad loot, a talk show, established and dependable media connections, a new movie coming out, or truckloads of cocaine if you want to join this party. Wait, though, you have a big heart and an honest soul and the Olsens are sure to see past all the superficiality in the world and find out that the things that really matter in this life don’t cost a dime, don’t cost anything at all, in fact, except an open mind and a willingness to trust. I oughta smack you in the mouth. This is not a Hilary Duff movie. You are not famous. You are not rich. You will not be their friend.
F&$# the Olsen twins, you say? All you wanna do is hang around and get in on some fun times? This is by far the most dangerous way to think precisely because it seems the most reasonable. You know they want nothing to do with you and you’re fine with that. You don’t particularly want anything to do with them. You just want a little of their fame and fortune to trickle it’s way down to you. Maybe you luck into one sweet party they throw and it will all be worth it. Wrong. While you’re off on your wild-goose chase, the Olsens will be at a private club or in a private plane or at the Playboy mansion...basically all the places you don’t have the power or the pull to even approach. They don’t go to dive bars or frat houses or house parties. They’re like Keyser Soze. By the time you even get a whiff of them, they’re gone.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s normal to think this way. It’s probably what anyone of us would do in your place. And that’s why you don’t even want the chance to screw up. Remember how much better off Ahab would have been if he’d never seen that hump like a snowhill. Now think about that every time you wish Mary Kate and Ashley were playing quarters in your dorm room.
Point-Counterpoint
Well, we’re coming up on the beginning of another school year and invariably our thoughts must turn to academic rebirth - to the new year and the exciting new recruits it will bring to campus. And no, sports fans, I’m not talking about your football teams. I’m talking about the incoming class of impressionable young girls. Freshman coeds are one of the main ingredients in the socio-sexual smorgasbord we call college and there are a couple of blue-chip prospects out there who have signed their letters of intent and are ready to saddle up. I’m referring, of course, to the Olsen twins, who are set to matriculate at NYU in the fall. What two 18-year-old millionaires hope to gain from college- other than 30 pounds and an exhaustive knowledge of fraternity basements- is beyond us, but the Tank prides itself on keeping its finger placed firmly on the pulse of young America and this is a hot-button issue. So management trundled down to the basement and presented the Point-Counterpoint Department with this resolution:
You want the Olsen twins at your school.
Pro
Are you kidding me? I haven’t seen a slam dunk like this since they found the bloody glove. But a bucket is a bucket and I’ve got a couple minutes to spare on this one. There are about a million reasons to want Michele Tanners doodling away next to you in Psych 101, I’ll just reel off a few of the most important.
1. You might hook up with them.
First of all, yes I said THEM. Not one. Them. One of the most important and fundamental laws of this universe is that twins are a package deal. Two for one. Buy one, get one free. You do not have to deal with them as separate people, individuals with unique hopes and desires and dreams. Twins are freaks and can be treated as such. You get a twin on the line and you’re eating double that night.
Second, yes I said YOU. This is not a humor magazine for stuck-up royalty or trustifarians or those damned Eurotrash male models. This is the Tank. Normally, the Olsens are the exclusive domain of all those jerk-offs I just mentioned. That’s the way it goes with celebrities. But take them out of Beverly Hills and take away their publicists and agents, and what you’re left with is a couple of 18-year-old girls going to college. You know what that means? At that point the playing field is leveled. They’re on your turf. They will drink to excess. They will take drugs. They will feel insecure. They will feel ugly. They will be willing to make a mistake. All you have to do is be in the right place at the right time. Advantage: Tank reader.
2. Little things are funnier when celebrities do them.
Our celebrity-worshipping society often makes it seem like the rich and famous are not subject to the daily inconveniences and embarrassments suffered by us mere mortals. This is of course not true, but it creates just enough cognitive dissidence to make the idea funny. Me waiting in line at the DMV and cussing out the clerk? Frustrating and somewhat inappropriate. Robert DeNiro in the same situation? Hilarious. Me getting punked out by some girl at the bar? Funny. Hurtful, but funny. Substitute Freddy Prinze, Jr.? I just peed my pants. You get the idea.
Well, college is filled with tons of those little embarrassing moments that we all take for granted. Now imagine if you could up the ante by having celebrities around for all of them. Watching a girl stumbling back home at 9:30 on a Saturday morning with tussled hair and disheveled clothing is funny. It is way funnier if that girl is the Olsen twins. Olsen twins inventing lame excuses for turning their papers in late. Olsen twins caught cheating on a mid-term. Olsen twins pigging out at two in the morning at Taco Bell. Olsen twins puking at the Delta Chi mixer. Funny when it’s you. Funnier when it’s them.
3. These two are ready to go ballistic.
I’ve already heard rumors from my boys in NYC that people have gone into parties and seen the Olsen twins doing blow. Outrageous. That sight alone would be worth the price of admission. Ashley is anorexic. Mary Kate is an addict. Or the other way around. Or they both are both. Who cares? The semester hasn’t even started yet and these two are making headlines. You know how it’s fun to be friends with the real rich girl who parties all the time and throws around tons of cash? Well these girls are billionaires and it’s their money. The parties will be hot. The champagne will be flowing. The girls will be easy. The twins have been coddled and protected and micromanaged their whole lives. They are fixing to explode. If they’re at your school, pull up a chair, crack open a beer and get ready. Even from the cheap seats, the view will be spectacular.
Con
Moby Dick. I guess that book’s supposed to be about man’s search for God or truth or himself...some garbage like that. Go ask the guy behind the counter at Starbucks. I was an economics major and to me that book is just about some asshole wasting his whole life hunting around for a damned white whale. Ahab probably could have gotten a lot of good things done with his life were it not for his fishing addiction. Feeding the hungry. Sheltering the homeless. Loving his women. I’m just riffing here. The thing is, I don’t really blame him. You show a whaler the biggest gastropod he’s ever seen – and the beast is white as the driven snow – and he’s gonna get obsessed. He just can’t help himself. The solution is to never let him catch a glimpse of Moby Dick. Minus that burden, Ahab is a successful businessman, a devoted husband and father, and a community leader. Also the whole crew doesn’t die and that wicked dude Queequeg is still kicking it. A rosy picture if not for that damn whale.
Why do I bring this up? Because if you get the Olsen twins at your school, you’re gonna waste all your time chasing a white whale. College could be a time of great fun and learning and growth. Or you could at least lose yourself in a wash of drunken days and dreamless nights. You start traipsing around after Hollywood eye-candy and you’ll end up just like Ismail: all alone and lost in the world with nothing but a coffin to bury yourself in. Maybe you just fail a couple classes and graduate a semester late. Point is, chasing after the Olsens is a zero sum game. What exactly do you hope to accomplish?
You think you’re gonna score? Look at yourself. Taking a swing at the driving range doesn’t make you a PGA golfer and a couple of awkward, fumbling, alcohol-inspired advances do not make you a lothario. These young ladies have been hit on by the cream of the crop. We’re talking famous actors, jet-setting businessmen, landed aristocracy. Something tells me that a 19-year-old marketing major with good pot connections and every episode of The Family Guy on DVD is not gonna cut it. I recommend trolling after whatever comes out of the frat houses around 2:30 and being grateful for anything you get.
You think they’ll be your friends? Please re-read the previous paragraph. What do you think you’re bringing to the table? A good sense of humor. Loyalty. Maybe you’re a good listener. Or a nice person. Celebrities don’t care about these things. You better have mad loot, access to mad loot, a talk show, established and dependable media connections, a new movie coming out, or truckloads of cocaine if you want to join this party. Wait, though, you have a big heart and an honest soul and the Olsens are sure to see past all the superficiality in the world and find out that the things that really matter in this life don’t cost a dime, don’t cost anything at all, in fact, except an open mind and a willingness to trust. I oughta smack you in the mouth. This is not a Hilary Duff movie. You are not famous. You are not rich. You will not be their friend.
F&$# the Olsen twins, you say? All you wanna do is hang around and get in on some fun times? This is by far the most dangerous way to think precisely because it seems the most reasonable. You know they want nothing to do with you and you’re fine with that. You don’t particularly want anything to do with them. You just want a little of their fame and fortune to trickle it’s way down to you. Maybe you luck into one sweet party they throw and it will all be worth it. Wrong. While you’re off on your wild-goose chase, the Olsens will be at a private club or in a private plane or at the Playboy mansion...basically all the places you don’t have the power or the pull to even approach. They don’t go to dive bars or frat houses or house parties. They’re like Keyser Soze. By the time you even get a whiff of them, they’re gone.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s normal to think this way. It’s probably what anyone of us would do in your place. And that’s why you don’t even want the chance to screw up. Remember how much better off Ahab would have been if he’d never seen that hump like a snowhill. Now think about that every time you wish Mary Kate and Ashley were playing quarters in your dorm room.
6 Comments:
Y, that's a great take about them being like Keyser Soze. They would definitely kill all of your family and friends if you crossed them.
One spot that was a little loose was the part about "cognitive dissidence," perhaps you meant cognitive dissonance. Also, the part about the zero sum game wasn't really correct, as trying to get with the Olsen Twins on any given night is really a negative sum game - no more than 6 or 7 winners, but at least 100-150 losers. These are minor points, though, and are sure to be glossed over by the worthless rabble that read the Tank.
All in all, a great piece. Keep the hits coming.
Addendum: A whale is not a gastropod. But it did sound funnier to call it a gastropod than to call it a mammal, which is the correct classification.
Versteeg, this is what we're talking about. Take it down a peg, buddy. Humor magazine, not science journal.
C'mon, you know there's some humor in being a nitpicker, especially when I already have the reputation. Besides, calling a whale a gastropod is a huge mistake. Gastropods are like sea slugs and shit. Call me crazy, but I don't think we need to play fast and loose with the time-honored system of phylogenetic classification on this blog to be funny.
That was well worth the wait.
Freddie Prinze Jr. is WAY too good looking to get denied by some dirty drunk cooze at the neighborhood watering hole. Jigga please.
Versteeg, lecturing Youngner on the finer points of his piece was your best work yet. A page out of Dumming's book, but your best work. You just got yourself out of office urinal-cleaning detail this weekend.
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