MOB UNEMPLOYMENT ON THE RISE
Wise Guy on the Street Blames Bush Economy
Mafia unemployment rose 3.2% last month, as overall job loss numbers in La Cosa Nostra reached their highest level since the Great Gotti Crackdown of 1990. A study to be issued next week found that 5,600 goombahs lost their jobs in July, and there is no relief in sight.
Mafia experts agree that the typical foot soldiers are the hardest hit. “How’m I supposed to feed my wife ‘n kids, much less my goumada girlfriend?” says recently laid off Genovese family cugine “Man Tits” Mickey Boombatz. “I mean, whaddya tell unemployment, I just got canned from my job clipping wise-guy gavrones? And there ain’t no food stamps that’ll get ya the chicken parm from Vincent’s on 57th. I checked.”
Mob informant turned economist “Mohammad” traces the job loss to the weakening of the urban economy under Bill Clinton, but since “Mohammad” ratted out his brugad for protection after a simple math error led him to sell 200 kilos of babania for $35, his opinion is widely ignored.
Most current employment-challenged greaseballs blame the Bush economy for their predicament. “If my hard-on-with-a-suitcase cousin Vinny can’t keep his job as a wise-cracking southern defense attorney specializing in rescuing Italian youts from the racist southern justice system in this economy, how’m I s’posed to keep working in my crew clocking snitches?” asks Carlo “Chink-eyes” Grabbassi.
Former Bonnano capo Joe Bannanas, downsized in March, believes that the current administration’s economic and foreign policies have created an arid environment for Mob business.
“Them tax cuts don’t help nobody but the bosses. And now they got a taste of money, they use them loopholes and outsource good wise-guy jobs to India and Timbuktu. They got them dot-headed turban motherfuckers popping our stooges now, slapping our hookers, racketeering. And they’ll do it for 5 rupees and an Uncle Ben’s minute rice meal. How ya gonna compete?”
For his part, former Gambino consiglieri Tony “Literally the Tallest and Fattest Italian Man I’ve Ever Seen” Tatti thinks that President Bush’s foreign policy has made the old mob soldier obsolete.
“We got these terrorists, these fucking guys. Instead of putting out hits on useless babbos, bosses save money by just sending some unlucky putz to the Statue of Liberty or Wall Street. I mean, they figure Al Qaeda’s bound to hit one of them places and take care of the problem, no charge.”
Tatti says the war on terror has also created a recruiting problem. “You got your war on terror. Now half the crazy nut-job killers who used to get jobs whacking guys in the Bronx are in world’s asshole fighting al Qaeda, and the other half are JOINING al Qaeda.”
Last week, shylock Johnny Tomatoes tired of the unemployment line and tried to unionize guinea labor. Tomatoes was found shot 8 times and dumped in the Hudson River, apparently unaware of the fact that the Unemployed Mob Labor Union was under Mob control.
Gangsters have suggested a myriad of solutions to the unemployment problem, from voting for John Kerry to simply organizing a massive conspiracy to have George Bush shot on a presidential trip to Texas and then place the blame on a lone Russian trained patsy – a task that many in the old guard have performed before. But recently fired fence “Gorgeous” Johnny Hatchetface has his own fix: “whack that Donald Trump, for firing everybody and giving people ideas.”
Mafia unemployment rose 3.2% last month, as overall job loss numbers in La Cosa Nostra reached their highest level since the Great Gotti Crackdown of 1990. A study to be issued next week found that 5,600 goombahs lost their jobs in July, and there is no relief in sight.
Mafia experts agree that the typical foot soldiers are the hardest hit. “How’m I supposed to feed my wife ‘n kids, much less my goumada girlfriend?” says recently laid off Genovese family cugine “Man Tits” Mickey Boombatz. “I mean, whaddya tell unemployment, I just got canned from my job clipping wise-guy gavrones? And there ain’t no food stamps that’ll get ya the chicken parm from Vincent’s on 57th. I checked.”
Mob informant turned economist “Mohammad” traces the job loss to the weakening of the urban economy under Bill Clinton, but since “Mohammad” ratted out his brugad for protection after a simple math error led him to sell 200 kilos of babania for $35, his opinion is widely ignored.
Most current employment-challenged greaseballs blame the Bush economy for their predicament. “If my hard-on-with-a-suitcase cousin Vinny can’t keep his job as a wise-cracking southern defense attorney specializing in rescuing Italian youts from the racist southern justice system in this economy, how’m I s’posed to keep working in my crew clocking snitches?” asks Carlo “Chink-eyes” Grabbassi.
Former Bonnano capo Joe Bannanas, downsized in March, believes that the current administration’s economic and foreign policies have created an arid environment for Mob business.
“Them tax cuts don’t help nobody but the bosses. And now they got a taste of money, they use them loopholes and outsource good wise-guy jobs to India and Timbuktu. They got them dot-headed turban motherfuckers popping our stooges now, slapping our hookers, racketeering. And they’ll do it for 5 rupees and an Uncle Ben’s minute rice meal. How ya gonna compete?”
For his part, former Gambino consiglieri Tony “Literally the Tallest and Fattest Italian Man I’ve Ever Seen” Tatti thinks that President Bush’s foreign policy has made the old mob soldier obsolete.
“We got these terrorists, these fucking guys. Instead of putting out hits on useless babbos, bosses save money by just sending some unlucky putz to the Statue of Liberty or Wall Street. I mean, they figure Al Qaeda’s bound to hit one of them places and take care of the problem, no charge.”
Tatti says the war on terror has also created a recruiting problem. “You got your war on terror. Now half the crazy nut-job killers who used to get jobs whacking guys in the Bronx are in world’s asshole fighting al Qaeda, and the other half are JOINING al Qaeda.”
Last week, shylock Johnny Tomatoes tired of the unemployment line and tried to unionize guinea labor. Tomatoes was found shot 8 times and dumped in the Hudson River, apparently unaware of the fact that the Unemployed Mob Labor Union was under Mob control.
Gangsters have suggested a myriad of solutions to the unemployment problem, from voting for John Kerry to simply organizing a massive conspiracy to have George Bush shot on a presidential trip to Texas and then place the blame on a lone Russian trained patsy – a task that many in the old guard have performed before. But recently fired fence “Gorgeous” Johnny Hatchetface has his own fix: “whack that Donald Trump, for firing everybody and giving people ideas.”
1 Comments:
Awesome. The best part was that you kept pushing the names all throughout the article. I kept thinking they were going to stop, but no, they just got better. You're best work to date (although I haven't read your next article yet).
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