REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS TARGETING NEW SWING VOTER
…And He Makes It FUNKY
WASHINGTON -- Political experts agree: the key to winning what has become one of the closest presidential races in recent memory will lie in that crucial group of issue-oriented undecided Americans known as “swing voters.”
The Soccer Moms helped Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton win the presidency in 1992. in 2002, NASCAR Dads pushed the Republicans back into power in the United States Senate.
This year, Democrats and Republicans have their eye on another family named swinger: Soul Brother Number One, James Brown. That’s right – pollsters believe the James Brown vote holds the key to who will take the White House in 2004.
Democratic pollster and spiritual medium Carroll Eventyr says his party has been courting the Brown vote longer and harder than his GOP rivals. “You think Republicans were buying ‘Sex Machine’ in 1969? They got into JB after Rocky IV and ‘Living in America,’ but we’ve been there since the original ‘Live at the Apollo.’ We love that beautiful black man.”
Republicans say forget the past; they believe their party has more to offer the Godfather of Soul today. “Lets face it: The Minister of the New, New Super Heavy Funk is a big star and has a ton of cash – and we have a lot of experience looking out for the rich. Hell, we made one ignorant rich white guy President,” says Bush/Cheney campaign spokesman Bartley Gobbitch. “And even though the Democrats have more lawyers to defend the Hardest Working Man in Show Business when he goes nuts, Republican administrations have years of practice looking past those crazy benders. Domestic Violence? Marijuana? Weapons? That’s just a Tuesday night for Clarence Thomas.”
Experts say that Mr. Dynamite’s vote is crucial for many reasons. “First, Mr. Brown is still an icon in the black community and has been ever since “I’m Black and I’m Proud,’” says Georgetown Dean of Funk Noel Slothrop. “Who else are those darkies going to follow…Jesse Jackson? Louis Farrakhan? (hearty chuckle)”
“But most importantly, both parties have attached an almost totemic importance to family-nicknamed blocks of swing voters. They tried reaching out to Deadbeat Dads and Mothers I’d Like to Fuck, but their grassroots efforts to get out the vote faltered. Sistah Souljah was also unresponsive. Soul Brother Number One was next in the list.”
For his part, the Original Disco Man's mind is still not made up. When reached for comment at his home, he threatened this Tank reporter with a shotgun before fainting, recovering, donning a purple robe and a crown, fainting again, recovering, grunting several times, molesting two young women, and finally returning inside to watch the Olympics.
WASHINGTON -- Political experts agree: the key to winning what has become one of the closest presidential races in recent memory will lie in that crucial group of issue-oriented undecided Americans known as “swing voters.”
The Soccer Moms helped Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton win the presidency in 1992. in 2002, NASCAR Dads pushed the Republicans back into power in the United States Senate.
This year, Democrats and Republicans have their eye on another family named swinger: Soul Brother Number One, James Brown. That’s right – pollsters believe the James Brown vote holds the key to who will take the White House in 2004.
Democratic pollster and spiritual medium Carroll Eventyr says his party has been courting the Brown vote longer and harder than his GOP rivals. “You think Republicans were buying ‘Sex Machine’ in 1969? They got into JB after Rocky IV and ‘Living in America,’ but we’ve been there since the original ‘Live at the Apollo.’ We love that beautiful black man.”
Republicans say forget the past; they believe their party has more to offer the Godfather of Soul today. “Lets face it: The Minister of the New, New Super Heavy Funk is a big star and has a ton of cash – and we have a lot of experience looking out for the rich. Hell, we made one ignorant rich white guy President,” says Bush/Cheney campaign spokesman Bartley Gobbitch. “And even though the Democrats have more lawyers to defend the Hardest Working Man in Show Business when he goes nuts, Republican administrations have years of practice looking past those crazy benders. Domestic Violence? Marijuana? Weapons? That’s just a Tuesday night for Clarence Thomas.”
Experts say that Mr. Dynamite’s vote is crucial for many reasons. “First, Mr. Brown is still an icon in the black community and has been ever since “I’m Black and I’m Proud,’” says Georgetown Dean of Funk Noel Slothrop. “Who else are those darkies going to follow…Jesse Jackson? Louis Farrakhan? (hearty chuckle)”
“But most importantly, both parties have attached an almost totemic importance to family-nicknamed blocks of swing voters. They tried reaching out to Deadbeat Dads and Mothers I’d Like to Fuck, but their grassroots efforts to get out the vote faltered. Sistah Souljah was also unresponsive. Soul Brother Number One was next in the list.”
For his part, the Original Disco Man's mind is still not made up. When reached for comment at his home, he threatened this Tank reporter with a shotgun before fainting, recovering, donning a purple robe and a crown, fainting again, recovering, grunting several times, molesting two young women, and finally returning inside to watch the Olympics.
1 Comments:
Yes. Superior work, Bruns.
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