Same Sex Marriage? Nice Try Gay People

I mean this is really too much. I let your rub your ‘domestic partner dental plan’ in my children’s faces and your ‘joint checking accounts’ over the grave of my good Aunt Rachel, but this latest trespass will not go unchallenged. Same sex marriage? Nice try gay people.

Anyone with half a brain or one redeemed soul could tell you gay marriage is nothing but selfishness. Please allow me to demonstrate. If you’ve ever known anyone trying to plan a wedding, you know what a nightmare it is to reserve a reception site. Now just imagine what would happen if hordes of gay people started competing for the same limited number of reception halls. On second thought, don’t imagine that…the idea is too horrific to think about.

Ready for another instance of unabashed selfishness? Married gay couples will undoubtedly try to adopt children, draining the supply of orphans that keep the orphanage industry thriving. Who cares about the happiness of investors who buy stocks in orphanages? Obviously not gay people.

Of course these outrages are merely assaults to common decency and courtesy; the worst ramifications of gay marriage hit much closer to home. I’ve got two daughters and a son, so I know I’m stuck paying for at least two weddings (or just one if Emily’s acne doesn’t clear up), but this gay marriage thing throws everything up in the air. If my son turns gay from listening to too much techno music, I might have to pay for half of his wedding costs. That shit is bullshit.

I work for a living, so you can imagine just how little time I have to deal with this same sex marriage mishagas. It’s hard enough balancing work, family and AA meetings in this work-a-day world; making me spend time everyday thinking about gay people being married would throw my whole schedule into chaos. Forcing me to deal with gay marriage is an invasion of my privacy and an attack on my lifestyle.

I know in the end it doesn’t matter what I say; you gays will never stop trying to get special rights. You don’t care how your hell-bent quest to create loving families is threatening the very foundation of my marriage. You don’t care that I feel uncomfortable when I dwell excessively on your personal lives. Like I said before, you’re just selfish.