Tanksphere

Aaron Bruns

2009-02-11T21:40:00.002-05:00

Dear People Who Are Coming To This Website Because of Aaron Bruns:

Please get lost. We are not child pornographers or perverts or anything like that. We were just some college kids writing satirical news stories for our friends. Most of us are 30 years old now, married and/or having children, and haven't spent any time with Aaron in several years.

So go away and stop slandering our names please. We have nothing to do with this.

Thank you,

The Tank Staff

Scott's Battlerap for Jason

2005-07-24T13:52:00.000-04:00

Check it out, Jason....for reference, please visit www.bradleyhiphop.com.

(opening verse sung in higher-pitched, smooth, R.Kelly style) I've been feeling something lately, And I think it might be love I take your picture to my bedroom And you know just what it does I wake up every morning Thinking only about you Your pretty face, your poke-out ass Those sexy things you do I wonder if you'd love me If we were closer by I can feel you pull away from me And I think I know why Your suspicions are well-founded But they are out of place See I've turned a new corner Been straight since '98 (draw out last line) (beat drops) Yo, Molly, girl listen up.... I know you know those rumors, well girl now they ain't true A man grew up inside me, a man you never knew It happened once we parted, it changed my fuckin' world Molly, you got me jumpstarted and now all I like is girls You see that kid knew in high school, he was so confused Been brought up in pink diapers and watching GEM cartoons Wouldn't play with G.I.Joe, 'cuz he said that it was 'crude' He bit yo' ass in preschool 'cuz he thought you were a dude He put on wack-ass dance shows, he'd always end up strippin' Dad flipped and tried to fix it with Playboy subscriptions Like Rainbow Brite, stayed up a night, with My Little Pony Hatched a plan, joined the band, uh-oh Tuba-roni! Took a beard to prom (no not his mom) and danced a foot away Gave shrugging 'maybes' to all the ladies who asked if he was gay He poked around in college, experimenting late But now that shit's behind him, been straight since '98 Chorus (shout and reply, many voices on shout, one voice on reply) Straight since '98! Girl, I want your body Straight since '98! Girl, yous a hottie Straight since '98! Shorty, let's make this happen Straight since '98! Yo, never listen to the Cracken Straight since '98! Ooh, I like your size Straight since '98! Yo' booty and yo' thighs Straight since '98! Still got love for my homies Straight since '98! Wonk! Wonk! To all the phonies I straightened up, started flying right, by thinkin' of you, Molly My peeps want to say I'm happy now, well they just call me jolly I practiced thinkin' 'bout you 'til it gave my jimmy burns I can get you off girl, but I'm sure you got concerns You learn 'bout girls in high school, but in those years I missed 'em I studied up a lot since then, I used the bases system Second base was tricky, and third was just disgusting But now I like all four just fine, so girl you can trust me My references are off the hook, and all them girls is elegant I can crush like LBJ, the playa not the president Two to one says I'm more fun, I'll be your greatest lover I lay more pipe - day and night - than both Mario Brothers Can play the field like Torii Hunter, but I want only you We can go out every evening, you can even bring your crew But if your girls clown me when I call you for a date Ima tell those hos to fuck off, I been straight since '98 Chorus (similar shout and reply) Straight since '98! Girl, I want your body Straight since '98! Girl, yous a hottie Straight since '98! Shorty, let's make this happen Straight since '98! Yo, never listen to the Cracken Straight since '98! Ooh, I like your size Straight since '98! Yo' booty and yo' thighs Straight since '98! Still got love for my homies Straight since '98! Wonk! Wonk! to all you phonies (last line repeats as beat fades) (talking slowly over fade) Molly, girl...I'll be seein' you in Cleveland..look me up..I can make you happy....and tell that mark-ass bitch Keys to recognize..he don't know me like that

Same Sex Marriage? Nice Try Gay People

2005-06-02T22:45:00.000-04:00

I mean this is really too much. I let your rub your ‘domestic partner dental plan’ in my children’s faces and your ‘joint checking accounts’ over the grave of my good Aunt Rachel, but this latest trespass will not go unchallenged. Same sex marriage? Nice try gay people.

Anyone with half a brain or one redeemed soul could tell you gay marriage is nothing but selfishness. Please allow me to demonstrate. If you’ve ever known anyone trying to plan a wedding, you know what a nightmare it is to reserve a reception site. Now just imagine what would happen if hordes of gay people started competing for the same limited number of reception halls. On second thought, don’t imagine that…the idea is too horrific to think about.

Ready for another instance of unabashed selfishness? Married gay couples will undoubtedly try to adopt children, draining the supply of orphans that keep the orphanage industry thriving. Who cares about the happiness of investors who buy stocks in orphanages? Obviously not gay people.

Of course these outrages are merely assaults to common decency and courtesy; the worst ramifications of gay marriage hit much closer to home. I’ve got two daughters and a son, so I know I’m stuck paying for at least two weddings (or just one if Emily’s acne doesn’t clear up), but this gay marriage thing throws everything up in the air. If my son turns gay from listening to too much techno music, I might have to pay for half of his wedding costs. That shit is bullshit.

I work for a living, so you can imagine just how little time I have to deal with this same sex marriage mishagas. It’s hard enough balancing work, family and AA meetings in this work-a-day world; making me spend time everyday thinking about gay people being married would throw my whole schedule into chaos. Forcing me to deal with gay marriage is an invasion of my privacy and an attack on my lifestyle.

I know in the end it doesn’t matter what I say; you gays will never stop trying to get special rights. You don’t care how your hell-bent quest to create loving families is threatening the very foundation of my marriage. You don’t care that I feel uncomfortable when I dwell excessively on your personal lives. Like I said before, you’re just selfish.

REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS TARGETING NEW SWING VOTER

2004-08-26T21:09:00.000-04:00

…And He Makes It FUNKY

WASHINGTON -- Political experts agree: the key to winning what has become one of the closest presidential races in recent memory will lie in that crucial group of issue-oriented undecided Americans known as “swing voters.”

The Soccer Moms helped Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton win the presidency in 1992. in 2002, NASCAR Dads pushed the Republicans back into power in the United States Senate.

This year, Democrats and Republicans have their eye on another family named swinger: Soul Brother Number One, James Brown. That’s right – pollsters believe the James Brown vote holds the key to who will take the White House in 2004.

Democratic pollster and spiritual medium Carroll Eventyr says his party has been courting the Brown vote longer and harder than his GOP rivals. “You think Republicans were buying ‘Sex Machine’ in 1969? They got into JB after Rocky IV and ‘Living in America,’ but we’ve been there since the original ‘Live at the Apollo.’ We love that beautiful black man.”

Republicans say forget the past; they believe their party has more to offer the Godfather of Soul today. “Lets face it: The Minister of the New, New Super Heavy Funk is a big star and has a ton of cash – and we have a lot of experience looking out for the rich. Hell, we made one ignorant rich white guy President,” says Bush/Cheney campaign spokesman Bartley Gobbitch. “And even though the Democrats have more lawyers to defend the Hardest Working Man in Show Business when he goes nuts, Republican administrations have years of practice looking past those crazy benders. Domestic Violence? Marijuana? Weapons? That’s just a Tuesday night for Clarence Thomas.”

Experts say that Mr. Dynamite’s vote is crucial for many reasons. “First, Mr. Brown is still an icon in the black community and has been ever since “I’m Black and I’m Proud,’” says Georgetown Dean of Funk Noel Slothrop. “Who else are those darkies going to follow…Jesse Jackson? Louis Farrakhan? (hearty chuckle)”

“But most importantly, both parties have attached an almost totemic importance to family-nicknamed blocks of swing voters. They tried reaching out to Deadbeat Dads and Mothers I’d Like to Fuck, but their grassroots efforts to get out the vote faltered. Sistah Souljah was also unresponsive. Soul Brother Number One was next in the list.”

For his part, the Original Disco Man's mind is still not made up. When reached for comment at his home, he threatened this Tank reporter with a shotgun before fainting, recovering, donning a purple robe and a crown, fainting again, recovering, grunting several times, molesting two young women, and finally returning inside to watch the Olympics.

MOB UNEMPLOYMENT ON THE RISE

2004-08-26T20:33:00.000-04:00

Wise Guy on the Street Blames Bush Economy

Mafia unemployment rose 3.2% last month, as overall job loss numbers in La Cosa Nostra reached their highest level since the Great Gotti Crackdown of 1990. A study to be issued next week found that 5,600 goombahs lost their jobs in July, and there is no relief in sight.

Mafia experts agree that the typical foot soldiers are the hardest hit. “How’m I supposed to feed my wife ‘n kids, much less my goumada girlfriend?” says recently laid off Genovese family cugine “Man Tits” Mickey Boombatz. “I mean, whaddya tell unemployment, I just got canned from my job clipping wise-guy gavrones? And there ain’t no food stamps that’ll get ya the chicken parm from Vincent’s on 57th. I checked.”

Mob informant turned economist “Mohammad” traces the job loss to the weakening of the urban economy under Bill Clinton, but since “Mohammad” ratted out his brugad for protection after a simple math error led him to sell 200 kilos of babania for $35, his opinion is widely ignored.

Most current employment-challenged greaseballs blame the Bush economy for their predicament. “If my hard-on-with-a-suitcase cousin Vinny can’t keep his job as a wise-cracking southern defense attorney specializing in rescuing Italian youts from the racist southern justice system in this economy, how’m I s’posed to keep working in my crew clocking snitches?” asks Carlo “Chink-eyes” Grabbassi.

Former Bonnano capo Joe Bannanas, downsized in March, believes that the current administration’s economic and foreign policies have created an arid environment for Mob business.

“Them tax cuts don’t help nobody but the bosses. And now they got a taste of money, they use them loopholes and outsource good wise-guy jobs to India and Timbuktu. They got them dot-headed turban motherfuckers popping our stooges now, slapping our hookers, racketeering. And they’ll do it for 5 rupees and an Uncle Ben’s minute rice meal. How ya gonna compete?”

For his part, former Gambino consiglieri Tony “Literally the Tallest and Fattest Italian Man I’ve Ever Seen” Tatti thinks that President Bush’s foreign policy has made the old mob soldier obsolete.

“We got these terrorists, these fucking guys. Instead of putting out hits on useless babbos, bosses save money by just sending some unlucky putz to the Statue of Liberty or Wall Street. I mean, they figure Al Qaeda’s bound to hit one of them places and take care of the problem, no charge.”

Tatti says the war on terror has also created a recruiting problem. “You got your war on terror. Now half the crazy nut-job killers who used to get jobs whacking guys in the Bronx are in world’s asshole fighting al Qaeda, and the other half are JOINING al Qaeda.”

Last week, shylock Johnny Tomatoes tired of the unemployment line and tried to unionize guinea labor. Tomatoes was found shot 8 times and dumped in the Hudson River, apparently unaware of the fact that the Unemployed Mob Labor Union was under Mob control.

Gangsters have suggested a myriad of solutions to the unemployment problem, from voting for John Kerry to simply organizing a massive conspiracy to have George Bush shot on a presidential trip to Texas and then place the blame on a lone Russian trained patsy – a task that many in the old guard have performed before. But recently fired fence “Gorgeous” Johnny Hatchetface has his own fix: “whack that Donald Trump, for firing everybody and giving people ideas.”

The Washington Bureau Weighs In

2004-08-26T14:31:00.000-04:00

MEDIA BLITZ FOR TRUTH
New action group shows its tit in response to their tat

Washington, DC -- Attacks on John Kerry’s war record by the Republican-linked veterans group “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” have been taking their toll on Kerry’s candidacy, according to a new LA Times poll. But another political action group has stepped up to defend Kerry’s qualifications to serve as the next commander in chief.

The “Common Sense Americans for Common Sense” (or c-Sacs) will unveil a media blitz of television and radio advertisements next week, leading up to the release of their own book to counter the Swift Boat vets “Unfit for Command.” The Tank has obtained advance copies of the ads and the one-page book, entitled “Way More Fit for Command Than the Other Guy.” It is printed here in its entirety.

-------------------

EXCLUSIVE: “WAY MORE FIT FOR COMMAND THAN THE OTHER GUY”

“John Kerry fought in a war for his country; George Bush didn’t.”

------------------

“The Swift Boat veterans have brought a number of charges against John Kerry, saying that he exaggerated his accomplishments and didn’t deserve his purple hearts or his bronze and silver stars,” says C-Sacs executive director Tantivy Mucker-Maffick. “Our book deals with each and every claim against John Kerry’s war record, and we think it makes a pretty compelling case.”

Georgetown University’s Roger Mexico, an professor of political media and Bush Bashing, agrees. “Besides the detailed rebuttal of each and every argument that George Bush is a better commander of our armed forces because there’s some sliver of doubt about the extent of Kerry’s wounds, ‘Way More Fit’ relies on undeniable facts instead of the shaky memories of aging white men with Post Traumatic Stress disorder and Napalm Poisoning. There’s no getting around the obvious truth here.”

To promote the book, C-Sacs will air a series of 5-second TV ads with the same message. The ads feature the disembodied head of Abraham Lincoln, who says that John Kerry served in Vietnam and George Bush did not. “Extensive focus group studies show that America trusts Abe Lincoln, dead or alive,” says Mucker-Maffick.

But one man who hates Abe Lincoln is Captain Tyrone Blicero, chief propaganda officer for the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. “This ad and this book are completely disingenuous. We served with John Kerry, although not on the same boat and not all at the same time,” says Capt. Blicero. “We were there, although it was a long time ago and the vast majority of us went on record approving his medals at the time. For C-Sacs to bring up a trivial distinction between Kerry and our President, who allegedly served in the Texas air national guard when he wasn’t busy with other very presidential things, is preposterous.”

It's OK to Come Out Now

2004-08-23T16:16:00.000-04:00

Alright guys, I think we've laid-low long enough for Versteeg to think we just quit the site. You may now resume normal Tank work.

Slogans

2004-07-30T11:49:00.000-04:00

First of all, with all the celebrity hating and point/counterpoints being thrown around, I propose we work towards a "Celebrity Issue" of the tank for our first outing (if we get an official home on the web, that is)

Second, I'm putting out a call for new slogans. The old Tank slogan, "We handle the stories other papers won't touch with a ten foot pole," is fantastic...but it's from another time, a relic of a bygone era. I want to hear some ideas. Tossing a few out there...

"The Tank is Law. You are Crime."
"The Tank: Kaleidoscopic Maximalism"
"The Heart of a Lion; The Brain of a Journalism Robot"
"Edward R. Murrow Ain't Got Shit On Us"
"We Report so You Don't Have To"
"Fair and Balanced News, starting in 2026"

Scooter, I Demand Satisfaction

2004-07-30T10:55:00.001-04:00

Scooter, I demand satisfaction, the kind that can only be had by exposing a mark-ass trick for the trick-ass mark that he is. It has been three days since I posted a very direct and insulting challenge to your comedic abilities, the content of which included disparaging remarks about your flamboyant wardrobe, your lack of skill on the basketball court, and the meaninglessness of your existence. What sort of man is content to sit idly by while his good name is sullied and his honor and sexuality are called into question? Perhaps a few words from William Wallace will help to rouse you from your torpor:

"Fight, and you may get played out by Versteeg. Run, and you'll live, albeit under the pseudonym 'Jeff's Little Bitch.' And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing, to trade ALL THE DAYS, FROM THIS DAY TILL THEN, TO COME BACK HERE AND TELL STIGGY'S LANKY ASS THAT HE MAY BE FUNNIER, BUT HE'LL NEVER BE MAN ENOUGH TO WEAR A PINK SHIRT!"

I tire of this charade, Scoot. Trading snide comments back and forth is a poor substitute for a true match of wits. So pick a topic by Monday or you'll never hear the end of it.

Here's Your Article, Jason

2004-07-28T14:36:00.000-04:00

Here's the damn blood money. Please turn my electricity back on and take the lien off my savings account. Y

Point-Counterpoint

Well, we’re coming up on the beginning of another school year and invariably our thoughts must turn to academic rebirth - to the new year and the exciting new recruits it will bring to campus. And no, sports fans, I’m not talking about your football teams. I’m talking about the incoming class of impressionable young girls. Freshman coeds are one of the main ingredients in the socio-sexual smorgasbord we call college and there are a couple of blue-chip prospects out there who have signed their letters of intent and are ready to saddle up. I’m referring, of course, to the Olsen twins, who are set to matriculate at NYU in the fall. What two 18-year-old millionaires hope to gain from college- other than 30 pounds and an exhaustive knowledge of fraternity basements- is beyond us, but the Tank prides itself on keeping its finger placed firmly on the pulse of young America and this is a hot-button issue. So management trundled down to the basement and presented the Point-Counterpoint Department with this resolution:

You want the Olsen twins at your school.

Pro

Are you kidding me? I haven’t seen a slam dunk like this since they found the bloody glove. But a bucket is a bucket and I’ve got a couple minutes to spare on this one. There are about a million reasons to want Michele Tanners doodling away next to you in Psych 101, I’ll just reel off a few of the most important.

1. You might hook up with them.

First of all, yes I said THEM. Not one. Them. One of the most important and fundamental laws of this universe is that twins are a package deal. Two for one. Buy one, get one free. You do not have to deal with them as separate people, individuals with unique hopes and desires and dreams. Twins are freaks and can be treated as such. You get a twin on the line and you’re eating double that night.
Second, yes I said YOU. This is not a humor magazine for stuck-up royalty or trustifarians or those damned Eurotrash male models. This is the Tank. Normally, the Olsens are the exclusive domain of all those jerk-offs I just mentioned. That’s the way it goes with celebrities. But take them out of Beverly Hills and take away their publicists and agents, and what you’re left with is a couple of 18-year-old girls going to college. You know what that means? At that point the playing field is leveled. They’re on your turf. They will drink to excess. They will take drugs. They will feel insecure. They will feel ugly. They will be willing to make a mistake. All you have to do is be in the right place at the right time. Advantage: Tank reader.

2. Little things are funnier when celebrities do them.

Our celebrity-worshipping society often makes it seem like the rich and famous are not subject to the daily inconveniences and embarrassments suffered by us mere mortals. This is of course not true, but it creates just enough cognitive dissidence to make the idea funny. Me waiting in line at the DMV and cussing out the clerk? Frustrating and somewhat inappropriate. Robert DeNiro in the same situation? Hilarious. Me getting punked out by some girl at the bar? Funny. Hurtful, but funny. Substitute Freddy Prinze, Jr.? I just peed my pants. You get the idea.
Well, college is filled with tons of those little embarrassing moments that we all take for granted. Now imagine if you could up the ante by having celebrities around for all of them. Watching a girl stumbling back home at 9:30 on a Saturday morning with tussled hair and disheveled clothing is funny. It is way funnier if that girl is the Olsen twins. Olsen twins inventing lame excuses for turning their papers in late. Olsen twins caught cheating on a mid-term. Olsen twins pigging out at two in the morning at Taco Bell. Olsen twins puking at the Delta Chi mixer. Funny when it’s you. Funnier when it’s them.

3. These two are ready to go ballistic.

I’ve already heard rumors from my boys in NYC that people have gone into parties and seen the Olsen twins doing blow. Outrageous. That sight alone would be worth the price of admission. Ashley is anorexic. Mary Kate is an addict. Or the other way around. Or they both are both. Who cares? The semester hasn’t even started yet and these two are making headlines. You know how it’s fun to be friends with the real rich girl who parties all the time and throws around tons of cash? Well these girls are billionaires and it’s their money. The parties will be hot. The champagne will be flowing. The girls will be easy. The twins have been coddled and protected and micromanaged their whole lives. They are fixing to explode. If they’re at your school, pull up a chair, crack open a beer and get ready. Even from the cheap seats, the view will be spectacular.

Con

Moby Dick. I guess that book’s supposed to be about man’s search for God or truth or himself...some garbage like that. Go ask the guy behind the counter at Starbucks. I was an economics major and to me that book is just about some asshole wasting his whole life hunting around for a damned white whale. Ahab probably could have gotten a lot of good things done with his life were it not for his fishing addiction. Feeding the hungry. Sheltering the homeless. Loving his women. I’m just riffing here. The thing is, I don’t really blame him. You show a whaler the biggest gastropod he’s ever seen – and the beast is white as the driven snow – and he’s gonna get obsessed. He just can’t help himself. The solution is to never let him catch a glimpse of Moby Dick. Minus that burden, Ahab is a successful businessman, a devoted husband and father, and a community leader. Also the whole crew doesn’t die and that wicked dude Queequeg is still kicking it. A rosy picture if not for that damn whale.

Why do I bring this up? Because if you get the Olsen twins at your school, you’re gonna waste all your time chasing a white whale. College could be a time of great fun and learning and growth. Or you could at least lose yourself in a wash of drunken days and dreamless nights. You start traipsing around after Hollywood eye-candy and you’ll end up just like Ismail: all alone and lost in the world with nothing but a coffin to bury yourself in. Maybe you just fail a couple classes and graduate a semester late. Point is, chasing after the Olsens is a zero sum game. What exactly do you hope to accomplish?

You think you’re gonna score? Look at yourself. Taking a swing at the driving range doesn’t make you a PGA golfer and a couple of awkward, fumbling, alcohol-inspired advances do not make you a lothario. These young ladies have been hit on by the cream of the crop. We’re talking famous actors, jet-setting businessmen, landed aristocracy. Something tells me that a 19-year-old marketing major with good pot connections and every episode of The Family Guy on DVD is not gonna cut it. I recommend trolling after whatever comes out of the frat houses around 2:30 and being grateful for anything you get.

You think they’ll be your friends? Please re-read the previous paragraph. What do you think you’re bringing to the table? A good sense of humor. Loyalty. Maybe you’re a good listener. Or a nice person. Celebrities don’t care about these things. You better have mad loot, access to mad loot, a talk show, established and dependable media connections, a new movie coming out, or truckloads of cocaine if you want to join this party. Wait, though, you have a big heart and an honest soul and the Olsens are sure to see past all the superficiality in the world and find out that the things that really matter in this life don’t cost a dime, don’t cost anything at all, in fact, except an open mind and a willingness to trust. I oughta smack you in the mouth. This is not a Hilary Duff movie. You are not famous. You are not rich. You will not be their friend.

F&$# the Olsen twins, you say? All you wanna do is hang around and get in on some fun times? This is by far the most dangerous way to think precisely because it seems the most reasonable. You know they want nothing to do with you and you’re fine with that. You don’t particularly want anything to do with them. You just want a little of their fame and fortune to trickle it’s way down to you. Maybe you luck into one sweet party they throw and it will all be worth it. Wrong. While you’re off on your wild-goose chase, the Olsens will be at a private club or in a private plane or at the Playboy mansion...basically all the places you don’t have the power or the pull to even approach. They don’t go to dive bars or frat houses or house parties. They’re like Keyser Soze. By the time you even get a whiff of them, they’re gone.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s normal to think this way. It’s probably what anyone of us would do in your place. And that’s why you don’t even want the chance to screw up. Remember how much better off Ahab would have been if he’d never seen that hump like a snowhill. Now think about that every time you wish Mary Kate and Ashley were playing quarters in your dorm room.

Throwing Down the Gauntlet

2004-07-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

Alright Scooter, it's clear that you want a piece of me after I made that crack about your sister. I propose that we settle this like men - on the basketball court. Syke! Take it easy tubby, raining dunks on your head won't solve anything. If your shit is really that funny, let's do a point-counterpoint and let the people decide.

Just like in poker, I'm willing to give you a big handicap. We'll write about any topic of your choice, and you get to pick your side. Anything is fair game - the merits of pink clothing for men, the merits of wearing pink clothing to attract other men, whether or not wearing pink clothing helps you meet girls because they assume that you're gay, etc. You're in the driver's seat.

Any ideas for topics from the rest of you guys are welcome. I would only request that for the sake of having a balanced competition, please try to come up with subjects that are of little or no importance, so that Scoot Dogg will have a chance to compete with me on a somewhat equal footing. Britney vs. Jessica, whether or not it's cool to stand in the TRL line, favorite cast member of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, these are the sorts of issues to go with.

Top Ten Crappiest TV Shows of All Time

2004-07-26T12:17:00.000-04:00

Top Ten Crappiest TV Shows of All Time

10) Curb Your Enthusiasm - You know, I really wanted to like this show, and I did, for about four or five episodes. Then I realized that this show is the sitcom equivalent of a madlibs book - it follows the exact same formula every week. Larry gets into disagreements with people by being an asshole or being misunderstood or whatever, these disagreements invariably escalate into an extremely awkward situation, and in the end, his life is just as miserable and pathetic as it was half an hour ago. Granted, the show has brought us some great characters, such as a rapper who loves cunnilingus (a white guy definitely wrote that episode) and a former porn star who rose to fame in the industry by maintaining his erections with a dab of hot sauce in his anus. Nonetheless, it's up to Larry to make or break the show, and after watching a full season on DVD, I concluded that he annoys the shit out of me just as much as he annoys everyone else on the show.

9) The O'Reilly Factor - Truly, Billy Boy gets the nod here on behalf of the entire Fox News network. The smug, haughty tone in which the "news" is delivered on this channel makes me want to punch most of the Fox newsmen in the face. The O'Reilly Factor makes the list because I want to punch Bill O'Reilly in the face after having kicked him in the testes. Seriously, why does this jerkoff even have guests on his show? If you're going to shout people into submission before they can even finish a sentence, why not just deliver a 30 minute monologue? That's clearly what this egomaniac would prefer, but unfortunately, he must sometimes tolerate guests whose opinions differ from his own so that Fox News can continue billing its programs as "fair and balanced." This moral crusader, who loves to get up on his high horse with people, made a name for himself in the industry by dishing the dirt on Inside Edition, and has recently written a trashy novel. For his next book, maybe he could write one about a right-wing ideologue talk-show host who is forced into hiding after being repeatedly kicked in the testes by angry viewers.

8) Superbowl Halftime – Even Janet Jackson’s droopy little right breast couldn’t keep this perennial loser from making the list. Every single year, a ton of money is put into this show to attract the biggest stars and set up cool pyrotechnics and stuff, yet it always manages to suck. Maybe it’s because everyone is tuned into this game to see football, not pre-pubescent popstars. Couldn’t we squeeze an Arena Football game in at halftime or something? As if this show weren’t disappointing enough on its own, the “costume malfunction” at this year’s Superbowl Halftime has created a wave media censorship that would make Stalin proud. You know a show has gotten really bad when it threatens to end free speech as we know it.

7) Last Call with Carson Daly - TRL did not make my list, but only because Carson Daly is too boring for me to write more than one paragraph about how boring he is. I don't understand how it's possible to spend all of your time hanging out with incredibly hip people, yet be so stiff and out of touch yourself. This guy has the personality of a 10th grade algebra teacher. It was one thing to be boring on TRL, because there was a lot of T&A and chicks screaming and a video every once in a while. On Last Call, though, it's just Carson and whatever B-list celeb was desperate enough for publicity to endure the Chinese water torture of having a ten-minute conversation with him. The only explanation I can come up with is that this guy is the bastard son of some network exec, and to keep it quiet he had to give his unwanted progeny a shot at the big time. Well, enough is enough, dad, you'll never make filet mignon out of this rump roast, just like you'll never erase the stain of illegitimacy. Give it up.

6) COPS – There’s a reason that I don’t live in a bad neighborhood, and it’s because I don’t want to be around low-down people all the time, especially when they’re acting crazy and doing dumb shit. Why is it so entertaining to watch a crack addict being chased by the cops? Don’t people have anything better to do with their time than to watch the police play marriage counselor for white trash couples? If you need to watch a show about people who are losers to boost your self-esteem, at least watch Jerry Springer. He’s going to be the governor of Ohio someday, so you might as well find out where he stands on issues like fathering a child with your best friend’s transsexual wife.

5) VH1 - A few years ago, the clones at VH1 had two revelations - people like countdowns, and people like to relive old memories. Today, any show that is aired on this network must be in one of these two formats, or some combination of both. If this is all they have to offer, why not just call it MTV Classic instead of VH1? As if it wasn’t bad enough to keep rehashing the same tired old clips, VH1 has recruited an army of quasi-celebrities to crack jokes about how ridiculous hair metal was or how weird Michael Jackson is. A note to up-and-coming comedians - making obvious and oft-repeated comments about entertainers who actually made it in the business is not a career. Nobody is going to give your ass a sitcom because they saw you making fun of Vanilla Ice. Oddly enough, VH1 plans to become even more incestuous and unoriginal by doing new shows that rehash their old shows. Pilot ideas currently being batted around by top management include 100 Most Metal Moments of 100 Hottest Hotties and I Love I Love the 80s.

4) Sportscenter (1998-present) - Sportscenter checks in at number four not because it is a bad show today, but because it has fallen so far from where it used to be. The current incarnation of the show is sleek, polished, and pretty much indistinguishable from every other sports news show out there. But once upon a time "The Center," as it was affectionately dubbed by the true believers, delivered tomfoolery, laugh-out-loud-funny commentary, and heart, along with up-to-the-minute news and scores. Patrick, Olberman, Kilborn, and sometimes Kenny Mayne blended comedy and sports into a smooth and hilarious cocktail that I would imbibe three or four times daily. Nowadays, I'm lucky to let loose even a chuckle while watching this show, let alone a side-splitting howl or hearty guffaw. A few words for the phonies that have ruined what was once my favorite show - Matt Winer, you're a robot. Trey Wingo, having a funny name may get you your own commercial, but it doesn't get you any cred with me. Linda Cohn, I know they need a token woman in that frathouse, but whenever you try to be funny it gives me the same sort of feeling that I got when my parents tried to talk to me about sex.

3) Real Sex - Speaking of sex, this show covers a lot of topics that my parents didn't get around to telling me about, like how much fun it is to discover wife swapping in your old age, or why it's important to treat yourself to a prostitute after being incarcerated for a long time. I know HBO has made a lot of these, but seriously, who the hell is watching? It's not pervs looking for whack-off material, because there is precious little nudity on this show, and what scraps they do throw your way are barely enough make Sergeant Peter stand at attention. It's not couples trying to improve their sex lives - you could find more useful information about having a good romp in the sack in the pages of Maxim. Maybe HBO just wanted to build their reputation as a cutting-edge, provocative network. If so, then here's some advice - create a reality show where you film good-looking people while they’re on the job. And stop fooling me into thinking there's going to be some sex on this show, God dammit!

2) America's Funniest Home Videos - Beware of any show that proclaims itself the "funniest" anything - much like Real Sex, the title of this show is highly misleading. I guess it's sort of comical to see an infant farting out a cloud of baby powder, or to watch some little bastard spit out the candles on his birthday cake, but is that the best this country can do? I mean, a lot of the people in these videos are not only not funny, they are total losers, and they’re giving America a bad name. This show could more accurately be titled “White Trash America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Or maybe that was COPS. Anyway, what about Bob Saget - he was a huge star when this crap was on the air! You would think that since he was already on Full House, the cheesiest show on TV, it would have been prudent not to put all of his eggs into one cheesy basket. But that’s exactly what he did, and now no one will ever take him seriously when he talks about sucking dick for cocaine. Hey Bob, here's a funny home video that will put you back on the map - use your connections from Full House to get some footage of the Olsen twins blowing lines and making out with each other.

1) Saved by the Bell – Perversely enough, I have probably watched this show more times in my life than any other (except for Seinfeld). Why would I faithfully watch a show that I hate? Hey, fat girls need love too. But seriously, this show always managed to be on right after school when I was feeling bad about not participating in extracurricular activities. It made me feel better about my boring life, because here were these good-looking kids on TV, clearly the popular kids in school, and they were just as boring as I was! How many shows have you seen that are all about adolescents yet tackle none of the issues of adolescence? The writers on Saved by the Bell would have you believe that most people come of age while standing around by their lockers and eating greasy food at the Max. Where was the sex? Slater and Jesse dated for like six years on that show. He called her “Mama.” One does not call a girl “Mama” unless one has less than noble intentions for her tall skinny ass. Where were the drugs? The closest this show ever got to addressing teen drug use was that time when Jesse was abusing caffeine pills. Please. If she had been taking those pills so she could stay up all night having sex with Slater, now that’s entertainment.

MTV Airs Music Video, Viewers Left Perplexed

2004-07-25T22:30:00.000-04:00

MTV Airs Music Video, Viewers Left Perplexed

Viewers watching MTV’s live coverage of the Rally Against Excessive Intolerance were left perplexed as programmers chose to air a ‘music video’ (a short film that captures the essence of a song) to fill a five minute time gap before a very special episode of ‘Pimp My Ride’ was to begin at 10:00.

MTV, which has become famous for shows such as The Real World, Road Rules and Real World/Road Rules Challenge, has long been a haven for viewers that want to avoid anything that pertains to music. As expected, viewer reactions to the ‘music video’ run the gamut from confusion to bewilderment with even one report of confoundedness.

Terry Sage, an MTV loyal and President of the Ashlee Simpson Stalker Club is among those viewers that reported some degree of bafflement. Mr. Sage opines, “If they were supposed to play music videos, they would be called MVTV.”

Campaign to rid The Tank of Jeff Versteeg

2004-07-25T12:10:00.000-04:00

Greetings my fellow Americans, Tank brethren and friends,

Do you look around the world we live in and are disgusted by what you see? Do you feel less and less safe in these dangerous times? Are you concerned about protecting your family from the constant evil that threatens our great country? In these difficult times we cannot turn a blind eye to what affects us every day and what will continue to affect us until we put a stop to it.

Inaction is unacceptable. We cannot let the Fun Terrorists win.

My friends, we mistakenly think that Fun Terrorism can't happen to us, that is a distant problem that others can solve for us. This is wrong, and dangerous, thinking. The face of the enemy doesn't readily show itself to us: Fun Terrorists look just like you or me (albeit perhaps a little more weird looking). They walk our streets, they shop at our grocery stores, they stand next to us on the subway. They talk like us, they act like us, they behave like us (again, in a slightly more awkward, gangly and exteremly stingy manner). It is worse than this, my friends: One of these Fun Terrorists is among us even now.

It is unimportant how this happened. Let us not point the finger of blame, criticize or let bickering distract us from the action that can and must be taken immediately. The past cannot be undone, the present is now, and the future is beautiful. But we must act. And we must act now. There can be no further delay, my fellow Tanksters.

Jeff Versteeg is a Fun Terrorist. His posts are weak. His rants are ill-conceived and dull. He pisses in our pristine pool of literary and comic genius with his juvenile takes that my little sister thought were stupid in the seventh grade. He makes Ebeneezer Scrooge look like an economic loose cannon. He calls far too many fouls when playing basketball and would never admit that Schuyler Schmidt dominated him at one-on-one. The best tirade ever to come out of his family was from his little brother about how Pamela sucks. He takes down his posts, which is absolutely, completely, unequivocally unforgivable. And worst of all, he is far too skinny to be trusted.

I have yet to hear his Saved by the Bell take but it is certain to be unfunny, misguided and downright stupid. Please, my fellow Tanksters, let us rid this Blog of this humorless scourge that will destroy us if we let it. Vote now and vote often to boot Jeff Versteeg off the list of contributors. Let him read and let him learn, but do not let him bring us down. I agree with the suggestion of Sen. Matt Youngner (Y - Ohio), who proposed we allow Mr. Versteeg to provide Tank members with coffee and doughnuts, and perhaps other adminisrative duties until he proves himself. No further duties should be given to him until he has fully proven that he has completely disconnected himself from any and all Fun Terrorist organizations, such as soccer refereeing.

Friends, Fun Terrorism is not a laughing matter. Well, actually it IS a laughing matter, but, er, well, forget it -- Fun Terrorism is bad and Jeff Versteeg is bad too. Bottom line: Removing unfunny posts from Tanksphere cannot go unpunished.

Act now, fellow Tanksters! And remember: Jeff Versteeg is so skinny he uses dental floss as toilet paper.

A Challenge to Matt Youngner

2004-07-24T00:05:00.000-04:00

PAST DUE NOTICE:

Matt Youngner, where is the article you promised me? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about…you told me you would send your Point-Counterpoint article on the Olsen Twins (Who will hereafter be referred to as The Butterface Girlz) tonight, but alas, it looks as if I’ve been stood up.

This article (which is four months late by my watch) is the only thing that is keeping a 5th issue of The Tank from being complete. Stand and Deliver. No one can stand in the way of The Tank being published….Choo Choo! (or whatever sound a tank makes)

If you don’t post this article by Wednesday, I’m going to start working on my own Point-Counterpoint about the The Butterface Girlz. Not only that, I’m going to copy your writing style, sign your name, and imply that you like homo butts (a lot).

Uncensorable Takes

2004-07-23T16:21:00.000-04:00

1. If Barry Bonds played in the American League, he would be a DH.
2. Scooter is a buttface.
3. I am funny. Period.
4. Matty Y got played out in a freestyle contest by a girl who could barely speak English.
5. Saved by the Bell is the worst television program of all time. (more to come on this)
6. The USG point-counterpoint was a great one.
7. The Hill's 50 most beautiful people should be called "Uncropped photos of 50 people who were taken by surprise by a tourist with a disposable camera."
8. If anyone takes down any more of my comments, I will have Bruns kick your ass when he's drunk.
9. I don't do much at my job.

Homework Assignments

2004-07-23T15:22:00.000-04:00

OK, ok, so we've all hated on each other a little, and it's enjoyable for all of us...but this blog is here to serve a higher purpose (many of you are wondering if i've lost my mind - Bruns thinks there's a greater purpose on earth than hating? Just bear with me).
So here's a mini-list of quasi-funny ideas for articles we can try to write this weekend. If any of these strike your fancy, and if you have a little bit of time coming up, take an idea, run with it, stop running, sit down and type up a piece, and post it.

funny item 1) A goofy review of Farenheit 9/11 (Scooter, i'm thinking you're perfect for this...everybody takes it so God Damn Seriously, some suitably lightweight work from you would be great) or 1a) very, very serious review of I,Robot - treating it like a documentary. Little cliche, perhaps, but i think it could be funny.

2) Sandy Berger Fiasco - the man stuffed documents in his socks and "in his trousers"? (as one senator so aptly put. "Trousers" by itself is funny). Other historical Washington shoplifters? An history of Berger's exploits? (stuffing burrito's down his pants at a 7-11?) Making it a sexual fetish-type action of some sort?

3) something to be done with this? Unknown independent pres candidate is auctioning off the vice presidential spot on his ticket...bidding starts at a patriotic $17.76. I'm thinking there's comedy in ebay and politics - Bush selling Cheney's spot to the highest bidder? Kerry auctioning off his purple hearts? I dunno, haven't really thought this through very much.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5509151781

4) sorry if this is washington-centric so far, but you've gotta check this out anyway - The Hill magazine's "50 most beautiful people on capitol hill." Most of these people are fucking hideous. Think there's comedy in ugly 'beautiful people' lists - like ugly and/or beautiful people getting offended. Again, haven't thought this one through, pretty much just reacting to what is a CrAzY list of "good looking" people. (plus, check out the chick posing in front of the water on the capitol :)

http://www.thehill.com/living/072004.aspx

5) any good point/counterpoint ideas? If anyone's willing to post a crazy rant - like Versteeg - i think someone should be ready to post a counter-rant and bring the ha-ha. (ps, my favorite point/counterpoint in Tank history has to be the usg matters/usg sucks argument -- in which both participants basically concluded that USG was absolutely worthless. Nice Going Matt and Dave)

http://www.thehill.com/living/072004.aspx

Aiight, i'm spent - having to live with a guy who's only funny on paper has really made my comedic facilities rusty, so i apologize if this list sucks...but hopefully you guys'll see something that sparks a funny idea in your head. If not, think of your own goddam funny ideas and write those up, see if i care...bitch.

Oh, and if you guys know any funny girls who want to contribute, you should pass the site along to them...and while you're looking, pass it along to any flying pigs or any monkeys that happen to crawl out of your ass :)
Burns

Scoot Dogg in da house

2004-07-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

Aight just wanted to make sure this thing was a'workin'. Will report back with sick takes. Or not so sick. Take #1: Matt Youngner is a pompous blowhard. Out.

A Crude Beginning

2004-07-22T16:54:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of free flowing idea sharing, consequences be damned, i'm posting a very crude, very awkward, very hateful partial biography I wrote for the advent of my roommate Scott Fuller's Website (www.scottfullermedia.com for those who haven't checked it out - Duff, you should take a look). While obviously our natural hater-ation has intimidated and bullied Twiggy Talls into removing his Bonds post, I expect some constructive Ohio-Style hater-ation on this thing...which shows a lot of rust and a lot of poor comedic judgment (as well as a lot of roundabout - and direct - attempts to call Scott gay). In the immortal words of that weird dude from the Black Eyed Peas, i'm just trying to Get It Started.

"Providing strong evidence for the argument that homosexuality is genetic, Scott Fuller was born in February,1978 in Shaker Heights, Ohio. His upbringing provided few hints about his future career. Indeed, after extensive training, Scott attained enough proficiency to merit a badge of excellence in figure skating. Many believed he would pursue Olympic dreams.

“Scott loved to skate,” says early childhood friend Brendan Massini. “He thought he just looked soo cute in that tutu.”

Only the ridicule of his peers kept Scott from a career on the ice, though he also expressed a dislike for the heavy figure skates themselves, preferring a profession where lighter, more stylish loafers would be de regour.

Scott’s waning interest in the magic and pageantry that is figure skating was matched only by an increasing fascination with setting various objects on fire. Science refers to this obsession as “pyromania,” but many simply called Scott a “flamer.”

Such boyhood pursuits fell by the wayside when he discovered two of his lifelong passions: baseball and journalism. Scott’s brief baseball career baffled the Cleveland area scouts, who called him a “half-tool player” to his face, and much worse behind his back. He lacked such traditional measures of aptitude as fundamentals, talent, or hustle. Also eluding him were the normal barometers of baseball success – hits, runs, stolen bases, at bats. Scott’s diamond days were encapsulated by his appearance one afternoon as a pinch runner – when he promptly got himself picked off first base.

Two skills saved Scott’s high school baseball career. First was his skill with the leather. Scott’s aim in the field was to avoid muffs at all costs – a practice he also carried off the field. Second: the surprising (or perhaps inevitable) fact that Scott was a switch-hitter. This ability would serve him well in his time in Columbus on the Short North softball team at Ohio State, where many a teammate was pleasantly surprised at how well he handled a stick while swinging hard from both sides of the plate.

However, for Scott, baseball would always take a back-door – er, backseat – to journalism.

Erosion

2004-07-21T20:29:00.000-04:00

Stones by a river are smooth. And while I’m on the subject, they’re also dull, lifeless and covered in mud. The sad thing is these stones weren’t always in such a state…they began as rocks with distinct shapes and textures. But alas, once these rocks were engulfed by the river, the waters eroded their features until they were as smooth as a smooth stones.

The river my friends is the world in which we live. If you stay in the river too long, the current will rip away all that is unique and special, and leave you an undifferentiated shell of a man. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we jumped in the river, and we can jump right on out.

I jumped in the river about two years ago when I started working at Procter & Gamble, and stopped writing. As somebody who is completely submerged in the river, I can report that it is cold, harsh, and full of money. As much as I would like to leave the river, I don’t think I could live without the ability to afford the extra super deluxe cable package.

I’m so happy that Aaron took the initiative to start a blog to get everyone writing again. I’ve been looking for an opportunity to get out of the river by writing again, and seeing your hilarious posts will get me back in the game.

I promise to write something less depressing in the very near future, but I just needed to get this off my chest to the only people that would truly understand just how amazing it can feel to stand on a cliff high about the river.

The Realest Top 10

2004-07-21T14:28:00.000-04:00

In response to Bruns' response to me, here's Y's Top Ten TV Shows of All Time

10. Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist

Some people will cry like little babies about squigglevision, but take some dramamine and sack up, the show is hilarious. Essentially a forum for comedians to do snippets of their act while sitting on the shrink's couch, Dr. Katz really wins with the interplay between the good doctor and his son, Ben. The guest comedians are an eclectic mix of early stars, fringe players and no names. Dead pan never tasted so good. Also, just about the only thing going on Comedy Central before it blew up in the late nineties.

9. Cheers

I loved this show when it was on, but I was a little worried that like Thunder Cats and the Transformers before it, my good childhood memories would be sorely disappointed by adult viewings. Why was I ever concerned? Cheers is as funny to me now as it was when I was 12 (and I probably get all the jokes now, too). Terrific ensemble, great writing, great characters, makes you laugh out loud. Also, amazing to think they got Kirstie Alley to be a sex symbol.

8. SportsNight

I hate nothing more than stealing one of Bruns' takes, but when you're right, you're right. SportsNight was a great, no laughtrack comedy cut down way before it's prime. Sorkin's trademark dialogue works perfectly in the world of television sports, which is where intelligent smart-ass types should end up anyway. Did anyone else think Natalie was hot?

7. The Shield

New show that doesn't get a lot of attention from most of my peers, but it is outstanding. It is a hard, cold world out there and the Shield reminds us of that every week. Short seasons keep the writing fresh and we are rewarded with terrific characters and excellent performances all around. Special bonus for resurrecting the Commish as the straight nastiest character on TV.

6. Twin Peaks

Man, a large part of me wanted to put this one right up at the top of the list. I love this show. I used to show up to high school unshowered and sleepy-eyed after staying up all night watching the Twin Peaks marathon on Bravo. I couldn't get enough of any of it. Unfortunately, as tends to be the case with something as cool and out-there as this, they just couldn't keep it up. Things really went nuts at the end of the second season and the wheels fell off the wagon. But while it was on, there was nothing better. Damn fine cup of coffee.

5. Homicide: Life on the Streets

Best network drama ever in my estimation and probably the most underrated show while it was on the air (with the possible exception of #1 on my list). A mid-nineties show, it got shoved out of the limelight by lesser shows like Law and Order, NYPD Blue, and ER. Those pieces of crap couldn't hold Homicide's jock. Yaphey Kotto. Ned Beatty. The fat Baldwin brother. Gripping stories every week, great guest stars, and the amazing performance of Andre Braugher as Det. Frank Pembleton, which should have won him the Emmy every single year. Fortunately, part of the team behind it got another chance (see my #1).

4. The Simpsons

Ah, the Simpsons. In college, when I was at Swarthmore, me and a buddy of mine wanted to create a travelling Simpsons' trivia team that would go to other colleges and compete against like-minded dorks. We would have crushed. The last, well really the last 5 or 6 seasons have been hit or miss, but so what? We don't remember Willie Mays stumbling around with the Mets. Or Hank Aaron hitting weak flies for the Brewers. We remember them as the crushers they were for so long. And so it should be with the Simpsons. So funny for so long and the forerunner for all the great animation cartoons we have today. And, quite frankly, probably the originator of 60% of the funny things I say.

3. South Park

Three years ago I would have slapped you in the face if you had even suggested South Park would be in my top ten. But times change and people grow and I can only say that I am sorry that it took me so long to get on the bandwagon. Sick takes on current political and social events. Laugh out loud bathroom humor. Taking it to celebrities. A great cast of characters. And Cartman, who in a couple years I might be willing to argue is the funniest television character ever. The scary thing is, I think they might just be getting warmed up.

2. Seinfeld

I don't know if I really even have to say anything about this choice. The only thing I'll add is that about five years ago, I read an article suggesting that Frasier would hold up much better in reruns than Seinfeld. The author felt that Frasier was all about classical humor - farce and slapstick and wordplay - stuff that was funny when Shakespeare did it and would be funny even after the machines have taken over. Seinfeld, on the other hand, was topical. It made fun of issues people faced in the '90s, but would cease to be funny when people stopped facing those issues. Well, when was the last time you watched a Frasier rerun? The thing the author didn't realize is that all the little stuff Seinfeld put on the table - annoying acquaintences, insecurities about the opposite sex, masturbation - are timeless. This was just the first show to put them at the forefront. My grandkids will be laughing at the reruns.

1. The Wire

What? The Wire? I've never heard of that. Wait, isn't that the one on HBO? I don't get HBO. Well, pry your wallet open, Scrooge, pull out the $5/month and subscribe. The Wire (and mind you, this is after only two seasons) is the best show in the history of television and second place isn't even really close. From the creative team that brought me #5 on my list, The Wire deals with the drug trade in Baltimore. And the police investigating them. And corruption surrounding the stevedores union. And local politics. It is the realest show on TV, dealing out the raw truth about race and justice and life. Its non-episodic format cause some of our dimmer viewers confusion, but f 'em, fine wine wasn't made for the masses. The best written, most intricately planned show I know, like watching a novel over the course of three months. If you're not watching this one, you might as well throw out your TV.

Addendum

I'd like to give a quick shout out to some of my favorite shows that didn't quite make the list. I love all the dramas HBO does, but Six Feet Under, Carnivale, Deadwood, and even the Sopranos have a little more work to do to get into the top 10. (On the other hand, I find HBO's comedies to be highly overrated, especially Curb Your Enthusiasm, but especially Sex and the City). I loved Bruns' Quantum Leap take, that was my show back in the day. I caught it for a while on Sci-Fi a couple years back, though, and it just didn't hold up. Family Guy is great, but now that they're bringing it back I thought it smarter to wait and really evaluate it fully then. Also like the SNL take....almost feel like that one belongs in its own category. King of the Hill also deserves a big hand, severely underrated and I'm afraid misunderstood by a lot of people. Mike Judge does everything well. Mystey Science Theater 3000 was also a favorite in its day, though you can only watch so many in short order. Finally, to my favorite reality show and a special shout-out to Scoooter, Joe Schmo, where they are pushing it every week. I'm out.

Wait, one more addendum. I know I have not even mentioned a lot of shows that people just a little bit older than my might love. Too bad. I never watched 'em and I never will. This is my top ten and I got no room for the oldies.

Top 10 TV list

2004-07-21T14:09:00.000-04:00

My Top 10 TV show listing, by Aaron Bruns, Esq.
(originally posted at www.scottfullermedia.com, hence the references to Scooter)

Since Scott is too busy editing the features page of a newspaper nobody reads and making out with girls of questionable appearance, I’ll chime in with my takes on this topic.

10) Quantum Leap - a classic of its day...and a guilty pleasure.
9) Chapelle Show - already makes my top 10 in two seasons by virtue of some hilarious fucking sketches. If this show sticks around for a few more years has top-5 potential.
8) The Family Guy. Funnier even than the simpsons at times, has maybe the funniest TV parodies ever created...but when it missed, it missed HARD. A shame it was cancelled so soon.
7) Sports Night - another show that left us before its time. Aaron Sorkin’s “I’m smarter than you” dialogue works a lot better in a sports setting than in the white house (something about the fictional president speaking in the same smart-ass style as Tom Cruise in “A Few Good Men” always rubbed me the wrong way, whereas i figure sports anchors are SUPPOSED to be flip assholes)
6) Special Report with Brit Hume. Gripping stuff. (Had to give a nod to those that pay the bills)
5) The Real World - My choice mainly its concept, and its status as the seed, planted in the early nineties, that has germinated into the reality TV stink weed we see today. Plus, after a few painful seasons, San Diego’s cast of drunken rowdies proved the show is BACK, baby!
4) The Cosby Show - The Huxtables were like a second family for me in the 80’s
3) Saturday Night Live - a great show, with a great history...so good that even when it’s bad it’s fun to talk about how much it sucks. Bonus points for the endless debates it provokes (best cast, best cast member, funniest characters, best host, etc)
2) The Simpsons - at its peak, it’s #1. The last 3-4 seasons have cheapened what was the cream of the crop... kind of like the effect Jesus has had on Schmitty. (here’s hoping he doesn’t read this...Jesus, I mean)
1) Seinfeld. Best Sitcom Ever, bar none...beats out the Simpsons for the simple fact that - apart from the horrible last episode - it retained its greatness even after everyone started talking about how great it was.

Who else has a list? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Introducing: TankSphere

2004-07-21T11:22:00.000-04:00

Alright Ladies and Gents, it's time to get the Tank back on track...and to that end, following the lead of illustrious co-founder Dave Deming (who is, by the way, very committed to Pubic Policy Reform), I've started this blog to give the tank correspondents now flung to the four corners of the globe a central place to submit and review ground breaking comedy writing. With a strong midwestern presence, a Washington Bureau, and even an African correspondent, the new amped-up Worldwide Tank is set to conquer the globe...so let's get it on!

Feel free to post movie reviews, funny takes, satirical political news articles, whatever you can think of...I think this forum will be an easy way for everyone to post their work, and for the rest of us to rip it to shreds - i mean, to check it out and give our thoughts. I'll try to kick things off with a review of "I, Robot" soon, but first I have to actually watch the movie. Looking forward to seeing what you guys have, so bring it.

Bruns